WITH HELP FROM MY BODY
I recently bottomed out on a thinking pattern I was having…I kept thinking this thing over and over, and each time I thought it, it created a tension in my body. The tension was accompanied by an intense desire to have a certain specific result happen…but the result wasn’t happening so I was becoming more and more frustrated. In other words, I kept thinking the thought, experiencing the tension and getting more and more frustrated and disappointed when my desired result didn’t happen. With the help of my body, I finally accepted that it was time to do something different to break the pattern. And although I have many different tools at my disposal, I just wasn’t picking them up. So, on this occasion, I made an appointment and got myself coached. Sometimes it just helps to have some extra support…someone to walk with through the maze of very convincing yet stress-filled thoughts.
Along those lines, my husband likes to say, “You can’t solve a problem with the same mind that created it.” (a quote from Albert Einstein). Ain’t that the truth?!!!
In fact, doing the same thing over and over (or thinking the same thoughts over and over) while expecting different results, can make a person feel crazy. (…let me rephrase that: it can make ME feel crazy!…) And even though we all do this, that doesn’t make it any less painful.
FIXATION=KNOWING TOO MUCH
When I go to the gym, I listen to some songs on my phone when I’m doing my cardio. One of the songs on my playlist is Cee Lo Green’s song “Crazy.” I just love the lyrics and I love the part where he admits to losing his mind not because he didn’t know enough but because he knew too much.
“Knowing too much.” That’s exactly how I would describe this brand of insanity that comes over me now and then. As I said, it gets really painful. The pain comes from when I get fixated…and I mean Fixated with a capital “F”…on thinking that a certain thing has to be a certain way OR that you need to change (whoever you are) OR that something outside of myself needs to change or stay the same so that I will be happy. And I simply cannot fathom any other scenarios!!! This is my one option and if this doesn’t work, I’m doomed! And even though a kindergartener could figure out that this isn’t true, it doesn’t matter. In the affairs of blocked energy, logic does not hold the key…truth does.
DESIRE IS FUN, BEING FIXATED ISN’T!
And just so I’m clear…Having the want or desire is NOT the problem. Having desires and dreams and goals and visions for yourself and even for others is a good thing! The problem is when I become fixated on how those desires have to happen. It’s been my experience that the fixated state keeps us stuck and blocked!!! When I get fixated on a certain outcome or agenda, each and every time that outcome or agenda does NOT happen, my feelings of craziness get really stirred up.
When that happens, all sorts of things can occur. For one, I can get pissed off. I mean I can get just really mean and nasty about it. I may start bad mouthing the other person (even if it’s just in my head) as well as anyone else I can think of that’s associated with them. And then, because I feel horrible for doing that, I may start bad mouthing myself (even if it’s just in my head)…and then things really spiral downhill from there. So I feel awful about myself AND I’m no closer to having my desired outcome. Not exactly an attractive energy…wouldn’t you agree? Often times I feel a tightness in my chest area, my breathing gets erratic and stressed and, sometimes, I compulsively grab for food just to numb out the pain of acting so nasty. For me, the physical feelings, emotions and thoughts produced by this fixated state can be summed up in one word…Gollum!
That’s right. Gollum! Remember Lord of the Rings? Picture Gollum…picture his big round eyes popping out of his head and the look of terror on his face as he realizes that he’s lost his “Precious” (ring)…because that’s ME when I am dead set on something having to happen so that I can be happy. There’s a gripping, panicked, tenseness that comes over me and it’s not fun. In fact, it’s the opposite of fun! When I’m in my Gollum state of mind, it’s actually embarrassing because I feel so desperate. I’ve lost my center. And Goodness knows, it cannot be pretty?!
There IS good news though…we can change our thinking and stop the insanity — mid Gollum! There are many things that we can do when we find we’re in the “fixated Gollum” state. Step number one for me is to accept that I’ve turned into Gollum. Then, and only then, do I have a chance at freedom because, as my body signals are telling me, attaining my desires through my inner Gollum state is simply not gonna work. I believe that my body uses my inner Gollum state to communicate with me that I’m approaching my desire in a non-productive way. So realizing I’ve unconsciously turned into Gollum is never something to shame myself about…it’s simply communication from my wise, wise body about the energy I’m putting out. So the way to transcend Gollum is to become conscious first. Body tension, nasty behavior, compulsivity are signals not defects; they’re messages not shortcomings. To remove them, I would have to remove my desires and just where would the fun in that be?!!!
WHAT’S JUST BEYOND GOLLUM?
So when I work with my own coach, I really let it all hang out. I share with them my Gollum agenda and my Gollum fears and fixations. I show them “My Precious” which is in the form of a thought that I cannot, for the life of me, seem to get past. In other words, my goal in working with my coach is not to impress them. My goal is freedom. This is understood between us. Because what I’ve learned is that just because I’ve temporarily lost my center does not mean I’m not right on the brink of a super powerful breakthrough…because, in fact, I usually am! Ever hear the expression, “It’s darkest right before the dawn.” Well that’s what it can be like for me. And I know I’m not alone. It may sound strange, but nothing makes me happier than when my clients show me their Gollum fixations too. That’s when I know that they, like me, see the folly in knowing too much and in limiting themselves to just one option, to just one possibility for happiness. That’s when I know that they are ready to approach things from an entirely different energy place…just beyond inner Gollum…to True Self.
With love and gratitude,
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